Wrong House
by israelbauman
Summary: Another story of the Dark Tosser buying it in a funny manner. Crossover with Hellsing OVA 2. Rated for Extremely Foul language.


Author's Note:

Another 'Voldemort-dies-painfully' tale. I think you're going to like it!

Also: I Own Nothing Mentioned in This Tale.

It was a very cold evening in Little Hagleton that night. The township was a fairly small one, and not . very much happened around those parts, well, except at one home, but the unsuspecting townsfolk didn't know about that...

The Riddle Estate sat just outside of town on an acreage that befitted any English Manor, though this one was somewhat more unusual than most in the country, considering that the individual who lurked inside was considered one of the most evil, egotistical madmen in recent history.

Indeed Tom 'Lord Voldemort' Riddle was considered to be quite 'bad-ass' amongst his peers, he was however, as previously mentioned, highly egotistical as well as unbalanced, it was those personality traits that would lead to his destruction.

One would think that he had to suffer the consequences of his actions, in his hubris, he had decided to lay wards that only made the home inaccessible to wizards and muggles, he had taken no precautionary measures to guard against non-human creatures, he (as well as his followers) believed they could handle the few non-human entities that weren't allied with them easily.

And to some effect, this was true. Voldemort had most of the creatures in Great Britain under his control, the only wild cards were the vampires. Most were neutrals, especially the powerful elders, who some suspected were the only creatures Voldemort was uneasy around, being that they were on equal footing with him in terms of power.

Some of the others were a tad worried, but they would never mention that fact, at least not to Voldemort. What seemed to stir up everyone the most is that there appeared to be a swelling in the vampires ranks lately, but it wasn't ordinary vampires. McNair managed to kill one the week before and was a bit concerned that it didn't turn into dust immediately following it's heart being ripped out, and had brought the body to Serverus for magical autopsy.

What Snape had told them was a bit disconcerting, it seemed that the muggles had come up with a way to use vampires as weapons, by creating an artificial one. This news was troubling (primarily because muggles had managed to beat them to doing something) and one of many reasons that Voldemort had called a meeting this evening.

Once all the key players were inside, Voldemort had sent a couple of low-ranking Death-Eaters outside to watch the main gate while his inner circle was gathered.

Alfonse and Willem were both graduates of the Slytherin house, and were in the same year as Percy Weasley, they were new and therefore were picked for grunt work, like cleaning the holding cells, washing down cauldrons, and, in this case, guard duty.

Both were anticipating a quiet evening, so it came as something of a shock when they heard a distant rumble and saw a muggle tour bus stop, only to have two men disembark from it and begin walking toward their position.

Both of them were dressed strangely, even for muggles. The one on the right had long blond hair, round spectacles, and was dressed in white head to toe including a long white coat. The one on the left was totally his opposite, with shorter black hair, a blue track suit, and a 'beanie' type watch cap, as well a face full of piercings.

It seemed as though they were just finishing up a conversation that the guards heard the tale end of as the two approached.

"So the mother fucker goes in and says he wants a Plexiglas window put in the back of his fuckin' head along with the horn on the front!!!" the black haired one spouted. "You ought ta see the cocksucker! He looks like a goddamn freak!!!"

The blond one sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, "Jan, really, could you relate this drivel to me later? There's business to attend to?"

"Alright Luke, shit man, you always got to be the fuckin' mature one." Jan grumbled.

"Halt" Willem said, "who are you, and what business do you have here?!"

"We were on a tour of notable English Estates, and wondered if we might take a look around," Luke casually explained.

"Yeah man, so hows about steppin' the fuck aside?" Jan added.

Willem was about to kill the two when Luke snapped his fingers and the back of Willem's head disintegrated as a nine millimeter round found it's way through.

Alphonse looked shocked as he noticed that aboard the bus, the windows were rolled down allowing the barrel of what he could only assume was a muggle boom-stick, only to have several dozen more suddenly poke through, Alphonse felt his eyes go a bit wider and heard Jan snap his fingers.

Within seconds, Alphonse was swiss cheese.

"Okay, thats good." Jan said, they continued to fire. "Stop now!" Jan said a bit louder, they failed to cease. "GOD DAMMIT CUT THAT SHIT OUT!!!!" Jan screamed, finally the fire stopped and their force began to exit the bus.

Each member of their fighting force was clad in Grey Military fatigues, as well as heavy body armor, and were carrying both an MP5K-PDW (the carbine version of the standard MP5, and these were equipped with silencers, stocks, and scopes) as well as a four foot tall, two and a half foot wide armored riot shield with an odd engraving that read:

BOO DOO

PEOPLE

MURDER

PEOPLE

As their troops formed up into columns, and Jan collected his personal weapons, which happened to be a pair of silenced FN P90s, Luke moved to inspect the bodies of the two men at the gate, and was a bit puzzled.

"Jan, come could you come here a moment?" Luke asked, never taking his eyes off the bodies.

"What's up bro?" Jan questioned.

Luke calmly pointed at the bodies, both wore black robes, silver masks, and they were holding sticks of some kind. "Do you honestly think members of a paramilitary order wear things like nineteenth century robes, and don't carry guns or radios?"

Jan slung one of his weapons and scratched his head. "Fuck, I don't know Luke, maybe they're all heavy into that weird occult shit too."

"That would make sense..." Luke trailed off looking at the house.

Jan shrugged, "Look bro, if it's that bitch Integra and her bunch a cockers that's cool, if it's someone else's bunch a mother fuckers, we kill em' and take their stuff, deal?"

Luke sighed again, "agreed, let's move."

Meanwhile inside:

The meeting had been going well, Voldemort had gotten most of the items off of the menu, and only had to kill two people for their ignorance, he was about to have Pettigrew remove the bodies when a tremendous bang echoed throughout the house.

Quickly sending all but Lucius and Bella to see what was going on, he waited to see who they would bring him, he, as well as the other two present waited for a moment, only to be slightly confused at the sound of screams and muffled gunfire coming from down the hall. Growing impatient, the Dark Lord got up to investigate himself, realizing that someone may have actually been stupid enough to invade his home.

Exiting his inner sanctum with Lucius and Bella in tow, he was angered and surprised to see his forces in pieces all across the corridors with Ghouls in muggle military clothes feeding off them, he was even more enraged and also somewhat confused to see two men he assumed to be vampires arguing in the corridor, surrounded by what was left of his men.

"I told you this wasn't the right home Jan," Luke said with anger, "all that effort for nothing."

"Who gives a flying fuck bro? We didn't lose one fuckin' ghoul, and look at all this cool shit we can hock!" Jan said, holding up a jewel encrusted halberd for emphasis, "besides, ain't our fault they gave us the wrong fuckin' directions."

"Who are you and what have you done to my men!!!" Voldemort screamed, both Jan and Luke looked to the dark wizard, and Jan nearly collapsed in laughter, even Luke managed laugh at the sight of an enraged Voldemort.

"Christ on a cross will you look at that freaky mother fucker!!!" Jan yelled between peals of laughter.

"I think I'll actually agree with you on this one Jan, he looks ridiculous," Luke added while chuckling.

"I mean, well, fuck just look at em'! The son of a bitch has no nose!" Jan added, begining to recover from his bout of chaotic laughter.

"I don't care who you are, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" Voldemort screamed as both he and Lucius raised their wands, Bella seemed frozen in place, but neither man got a chance to ask why as they suddenly had Luke Valentine and what appeared to be the largest combat blade in history on top of them.

Luke Valentine was enhanced to the point that he considered himself the physical equivalent of the Nosferatu Alucard (at least his superiors led him to think that) so compared to some dark lord, he was far the superior individual, considering that it took seven tenths of a second to slice the Dark Lord and his biggest fanboy into about seven pieces each.

He snorted in disgust at the weakness of his opponent, and turned to see where the woman had gotten to, only to find her in Jan's lap rounding second base, while he sat perched on a pile of corpses.

Luke rubbed his eyes and let out a long suffering sigh, and muttered to himself "oh for god sakes..."

Bellatrix stopped assaulting Jan's tonsils long enough to give him a smoldering look, "I've never seen so much damage done by one man before, please take me with you..." she begged, and considering what her hands were doing at that second, Jan was not in a mood to disagree.

"Holy fuck!" Jan smiled, "Luke she's coming with us, and don't try to fucking disagree!!"

"Why exactly should I do that?" Luke asked, attempting to reel in his temper.

"'Cause she's a horny bi-polar chick who's turned on by blood and death! She's like me with nice tits!" Jan explained before Bella started to lick his neck. "And she can do shit with her tongue that would make that bitch Integra go to Sunday Mass!" Jan's jaw dropped and he began to drool a bit, "could you go find something to do for about, like... half an hour or so bro?"

Luke walked past the pair of them while doing his best not to see anything, "you've got twenty minutes," he shouted once he reached the end of the hallway, "I'll be in the bus."

Epilogue:

Almost immediately, news reached the Order of the Phoenix, that the newly resurrected Voldemort had been slain, and less than a month after his return too.

By far the best part being that when the Dark Lord was destroyed again, the wards on the Riddle Estate unsealed themselves, and the next day, a team from the Ministry of Magic found the house and what was inside of it, thusly proving Voldemort's return (and prompt demise), Lucius Malfoy's ties to the Dark Lord, and (by finding what was left of Wormtail) Sirius Black's innocence.

Things even worked out for Bella too, who after falling deeply in love with Jan Valentine, was actually satisfied sexually for the first time since she met her former husband Rudolphus (who was apparently a raging two and a half inches, fully erect) after being chipped by Jan and Luke's employers, the two bloody lovebirds secured time to go on an extended vacation of sorts, leaving Luke nothing to do but wait until they returned.

Having nothing to do, Luke decided to do a bit of whoring around himself, and ended up meeting the most adorable young man in a club near the 'rainbow district' so to speak. He said was new to the area, and decided to move to a new spot after some unpleasantness at home. He had platinum blond hair, steely Grey eyes, and he said his name was Draco... But that, dear friends, is another story altogether.

END

Author's Note: how's about them apples? I disagree with Ms. Rowling in a

number of areas, But I have one big one, I don't believe for one second that

Draco Malfoy is straight. Have you actually SEEN the guy? No straight man

could be that pretty. So yes, all you fangirls out there, in my stories, Draco is

as gay as Paris in springtime (not Harry though, sorry.) as for Luke Valentine,

well, he could go either way. Oh well, please review!


End file.
